30 Days of Real Life Campaign #30DRL

Note: This essay is dedicated to my wife, Lina, as well as to her friends -- especially Amanda Merrell -- who are currently conducting the “30 Days of Real Life” (#30DRL) campaign on Facebook. I love what you are doing, Ladies, and wish to add a few cents to the fire of your authentic efforts.

Real Life is Hard 

No matter how good things may appear on a person’s Facebook wall, real life is HARD, and can sometimes get messy and ugly for even the best of us. I know this is true, not because I am one of the “best of us,” but because regardless how many Facebook pictures and posts that may suggest otherwise, my life is often hard, and sometimes gets messy and ugly—just like everyone else’s.

This article reflects on the “pictures” of life that we are hesitant to post on Facebook or Instagram, but that are just as real as the images we choose to share with the world via our ever-broadening circle of virtual friends.

Happy Birthday!

Just yesterday, I posted a lovely “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” tribute to my beautiful, wonderful, talented, intelligent, dearly beloved, and semi-sweet (inside joke) wife. In doing so, I searched my photo collection to find the most beautiful picture of Lina I could possibly find. This – of course – is the picture I decided to post, along with another pic of the two of us mirthfully laughing in each other’s arms and looking as though are lives were one unremitting span of connubial bliss....  If only!

Before I share “the rest of the story” in the spirit of the #30DRL campaign, I wish to note that Lina really is beautiful, wonderful, talented, etc. It is also true that we really do have a wonderful marriage, and I really am the luckiest man in the world to have found her and convinced her to marry me. It is also true that the Good Lord has exceedingly blessed and prospered our individual and collective lives as we have strived to follow the example of His Son, Jesus Christ.

Nevertheless, the fact remains that all of this is only PART of the story of our lives. It is the BEST part about our lives, and is therefore the part we are most eager to expose online and/or share with others—and rightfully so. No one wants to be friends with someone who is always airing their dirty laundry for others to see—and smell. There’s nothing attractive or inspiring about that. I am not writing this article in an effort to encourage people to start plastering newsflashes and photos detailing their problems all over social media (that is, unless you’ve completed doctoral research and written a book on the subject...SMILE). I am simply writing it to remind us all that no one’s life is as exclusively pretty as the pictures we perpetually post online—as my doctoral research and new book so tellingly evince from my own life’s ugly challenges. (To get a FREE copy of my Personal Narrative that details these life challenges, e-mail me at jordan.jensen@freedomfocused.com and I will send you a PDF copy, at no cost to you).   

ALL Couples Face Challenges

Sometimes We Fight

The unvarnished truth of the matter – which our perpetually perfect and positive Facebook posts often belie – is that Lina and I are just ordinary human beings who wake up every morning and face weaknesses, shortcomings, temptations, irritability, and fatigue just like everyone else. Sometimes we even fight (disagree), and sometimes vehemently so. This is not to say that we are arguing all the time, or even most of the time, but the fact is that we both have minds of our own, and we each use them independently—and that is a good thing, albeit it can sometimes spawn conflict.

Recently, we had a disagreement that left me so emotionally wound up I ended up throwing one of Tucker’s toys across the room and slamming the door of our bedroom in order to puerilely punctuate my frustration. As I reflect back on this childish behavior—which happened just a few weeks ago, I admit to feeling a little embarrassed. I supposed that Lina was probably equally frustrated; to her credit, she responded a LOT more maturely than I did in the situation. Such it often is with men, it seems.

Over a period of a few days, we both had time to reflect on the incident and the issues surrounding it, communicate on a deeper and more respectful level, and eventually reconcile our differences in an amiable and respectful manner that was borne out of a greater understanding of where the other was coming from. But in the meantime, I'm not gonna lie... it got kind of messy. This was not the first time Lina and I had had a fight (disagreement) in our seven years of marriage, and it will not be the last.

When teaching leadership and management seminars with my professional work, I often share the great truth that conflict itself is not inherently bad – even though it can sometimes get messy. Success in relationships – personal or professional – is not contingent on an absence of conflict, but in how conflict is approached, navigated, and resolved. In truth, without conflict, very little actually gets done in life—and very little growth occurs in relationships. This is not to say we should proactively seek out conflict, but when it occurs – and in real life it inevitably will – there is little value in passively running to hide or aggressively bullying your counterpart.  The higher pathway lies in assertively facing up to it and then respectfully resolving the conflict with an eye single to the equal worth of the other person.

Occasionally you’ll hear a husband or wife make the specious claim that they “never fight.” Whenever I hear such a claim, I figure that they are either a LOT more mature than I am, or that they are doing one of the following:

1. Lying 

2. Not thinking for oneself, or

3. Passively acquiescing to what the other person wants without any regard for one’s own desires in the relationship.

ALL three of these scenarios is much more damaging to the long-term vitality and richness of a relationship than temporary conflict that is respectfully resolved, which can actually serve to strengthen a relationship over time.  I know this is true because the ways in which Lina and I have chosen to respond to our various riffs over the years have served as building blocks that have ultimately strengthened our marriage.  Nevertheless, we (and especially I) still have a long ways to go.

So there you have it my (Facebook) friends—all 951 of you: sometimes Lina and I fight. Yes, it is true: our lives are not as perfect as our Facebook posts suggest, and we are certainly far from being perfect individuals or a perfect couple. Despite this reality, we do have a lot going for us and have much to thank our Heavenly Father for, not the least of which are the blessings of having a best friend, a beautiful lover (well, at least I do), and a cherished counselor and confidante. No, it’s not perfect, but till our dying day, we will strive to follow the advice a former Bishop gave us—to take the word “divorce” out of the dictionary, which can be accomplished by living true to the marital covenants we made to God, the community, our families, and to each other by always striving to put the relationship ahead of our individual, selfish desires—with which we both struggle to varying degrees. 

So… the next time you see someone’s beautiful, pristine, and “perfect” life plastered all over Facebook, remember a great truism: Everyone has problems; if you think you know someone who doesn’t, it just means you don’t know them well enough yet.

As we scroll through our “walls” to see the endless posts uploaded for others to see, it is tempting to compare ourselves to others, whereby feelings of either jealousy or superiority can easily arise, accompanied by prideful musings of resentment or smugness. It can be easy to assume that some people have it much harder (or easier) than we do.

In the midst of such musings and emotional contractions and swellings, we would do well to remember the words of Susan Evans McCloud, who once penned the following quatrain in a famous hymn:

Who am I to judge another
When I walk imperfectly?
In the quiet heart is hidden
Sorrow that the eye can’t see. [1]

My life probably looks a lot different (better) on the outside to others on Facebook than it does on the inside to me, which is one of the reasons I decided to publish to the world the hellish experiences I faced with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), depression, and other frightening internal struggles, the vast majority of which were never readily apparent to others. I want to give hope to others who also face challenges, failures, rejections, and disappointments, which in the end, is ALL of us.   

Everyone Faces Challenges

The more I learn about this world’s inhabitants and the diversity of adversity faced by its monumental milieu, the more I realize that in the end, everybody has it hard in one way or another. Moreover, I become increasingly convinced of the great truth taught by Victor Frankl—that masterful psychiatrist and courageous victor of Nazi treachery:

A man’s suffering is similar to the behavior of gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the “size” of human suffering is absolutely relative. [2]

In light of Frankl's astute judgment, let us all strive to judge each other's weaknesses a little less and celebrate each other strengths a little more.  Furthermore, may we not despair when our troubles seem greater than another's; neither let us be jealous when our successes seem less than another's--remembering that for human beings, what seems is often quite different than what actually is.     

In conclusion, I don’t mean to discourage anyone from posting positive (or even perfect looking) pictures on Facebook. Rest assured, Lina and I will continue to do so. Nor do I intend to encourage anyone to begin to unnecessarily or inappropriately air their dirty laundry for others to see. I simply want to influence a greater sense of compassion and a lesser degree of judgment toward our fellows by reminding all of us that we have more in common than we sometimes realize. This is especially true when it comes to our universal experience of life's endless, painful, and often perplexing adversities. Thank God for the hope that Christ has the power to "carry us beyond this vale of sorrow into a far better land of promise." [3] 

Lastly, when we do choose to post our perfect pictures, let us do it for the RIGHT reasons—to develop, cultivate, and nurture friendships; to lift, encourage, and inspire others to be happier, healthier, more fulfilled human beings; and to share in the joy of our cherished relationships.

This means that when I post the most beautiful picture I can possibly find of my wife on her birthday, I am picking that photo to honor her and make her feel special and gather the goodwill of our friends to help us celebrate a special occasion -- and not merely to brag to everyone about what a hot wife I have, even though it is true -- I do have a HOT wife!  ... that was also for YOU, Babe.  Xoxo, -JJ

Notes:

[1] Hymn #220, Hymns of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (1985, p. #220).
[2] Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man's Search for Meaning. Boston, MA: Beacon Press. Page 44. 

[3] Alma 37:45 (The Book of Mormon).

SAL Book: What's Different from Other Self-Help Reads?

BOOK THE FIRST
AN INTRODUCTION TO SELF-ACTION LEADERSHIP

CHAPTER 1

WHAT SETS THIS BOOK APART FROM OTHER SELF-HELP READS?

CHAPTER DEDICATION:
~ TO A YOUNG BARTENDER IN THE CARIBBEAN ~

In recent decades, the world has been deluged by tens of thousands of articles and books on topics related to self-help, personal development, and leadership. Why then, you may ask, would I have the temerity to write yet another self-help book, and what could it possibly have to say that would merit your attention in this fast-paced, highly competitive, virtual world?

The first reason is found in the unique and comprehensive metric introduced in the Self-Action Leadership (SAL) theory that provides a measuring stick for personal growth and freedom. This metric offers more than a blueprint for personal development. It also paints a clear picture of personal and professional Promised Lands, which are attainable at the apex of your potential.

The second answer is the extensive study, research, and uniquely personal story undergirding everything in this book. Since 1987, I have been obsessed with learning about, pursuing, and achieving personal growth, freedom, and success. Along the way, I have been humbled to the dust time and again by the hard knocks of reality. It has been a harrowing experience in all aspects of my life. Through it all, I have come out on the other side with a penetrating vision of what personal development, growth, and freedom entail. More importantly, I understand better how they are achieved. This book articulates this vision.

Most self-help authors pepper their books and articles with personal anecdotes. This book, however, is the anecdote. There really is no way to separate the story of my life, and of other’s lives, from the material in this book.

It is my hope that this extended educational narrative might provide you with long sought-after antidotes to your own deepest personal, and professional difficulties and dilemmas. In the process, I hope that leaders, managers, educators, parents, and individuals everywhere will be empowered with a new way to conceptualize, practice, and measure their own personal growth, success, and freedom.

WHY SUCH A LONG BOOK?

This chapter was not included in original iterations of this book. I placed it in the manuscript just weeks before submitting the final draft to editors. My inspiration for its addition came from an unexpected source: a young bartender in the U.S. Virgin Islands.

I was recently in St. Croix teaching a professional seminar. During a break, I meandered my way to the bar for some refreshment. As I sat gulping my Coke, the bartender began asking me about myself. In an attempt to politely, but briefly, answer his questions, I ended up sharing more information than I typically give to strangers.

When he learned I was an author interested in the self-help genre, a look of obvious disregard crossed his face to which he replied, “Don’t you think self-help books are fluffy and unsubstantial?” I thought about it for a second and responded, “Well, I can see where you are coming from in thinking that, and yes, some of them certainly are.”

The young bartender then proceeded to express his interest in some well-known philosophical writings that are considered more intellectually robust than your typical, contemporary self-help read. As I listened to him, a powerful sense of reassurance flooded my soul about a nagging concern that my book was “Too long.” I realized with greater clarity that my book was never meant to be a novella. The complexity and importance of the subject matter simply place limits on its capacity for brevity if quality and substance are to be properly maintained. Length alone, of course, does not guarantee quality and substance; nevertheless, I have striven diligently and earnestly to trim the fat without lacerating the muscle throughout this text.

As our conversation continued, I explained that my goal as an author in the self-help genre is to produce self-help literature that not only provides compelling, substantive content, but that meets rigorous intellectual standards as well. If he someday reads this book, I hope he will be pleased with my attempts to reach the high standards I have striven diligently to uphold in its composition.

My conversation with the bartender that day spawned a vision of sorts. In my mind’s eye, I beheld multitudes of people around the world from all walks of life who, like him, are yearning not only for real long-term personal change, success, and fulfillment, but who – in an era of fast food, fleeting pleasures, petty social media exchanges, and other cheap, sugary meaninglessness that is so ubiquitous throughout our superficial and spiritually malnourished culture – are hungry for something that will not only challenge them intellectually, but provide a pathway for existential change. It was a glorious vision to behold. And since I was only drinking Coke (I don’t drink alcohol) I am confident it was no drunken mirage exacerbated by the oppressive, sultry temperature that hung on the beach that hot, summer day.

That young bartender won’t always be serving up drinks for a living. In fact, by the time this book is published, he will have already moved to North Carolina with his girlfriend, who plans to pursue a Master’s degree. He no doubt has ambitions of his own, the details of which we might have broached had my break not come to an end. As we parted, he asked me to write down my book title so he could check it out on Amazon. I don’t know if he actually will, but it he seemed genuinely hopeful that I could resurrect his hope for the lost art of the self-help genre. Maybe we’ll meet again someday and I can thank him for unwittingly expanding my perspective.

The World has enough easy books to read; it needs more challenging books to STUDY. The World has enough sound bytes; it needs more substance. It has enough talking points; it needs more character transformations. It has enough text messaging; it needs more textual rigor. It has enough skimming and scanning; it needs more serious reading and research. It has enough summaries; it needs more original sources. It has enough featured and fabricated headlines; it needs more facts and footnotes. It has enough style; it needs more study. It has enough fashion, facsimiles, and façades; it needs more fresh AUTHENTICITY. It has enough fake; it needs more REAL.[1]

If this book fails to add something of value to the cause for which it stands, it will not be for a lack of effort or sincerity; nor will it be because it was too long. There are plenty of easy self-help books and 300-words-or-less leadership messages out there. I have no interest in piling another pamphlet on top of the pile.

Would you like to do something hard that will take some time, but will be incredibly worth your investment? If so, read on.

HELPING YOU TO HELP YOURSELF

I did not write this book to help you solve your problems. I am not an expert at solving other people’s problems. I do believe I have a duty to teach and assist where I can, which is something I can do.

What I am an expert at is solving my own problems, with the aid of Grace. The goal of this book is to teach, empower, and inspire you to figure out how to solve your own problems through Self-Action Leadership and Grace, thereby opening yourself up to the endless opportunities you have for achievement and growth. If you are willing to help yourself, this book may prove very useful as you work through your own problems with determination and resolve.

“God helps those who help themselves.”

– Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

If anything in this first chapter has struck a chord with you, or awakened a dormant desire within your being to become something more than you currently are, I invite you to accompany me on this adventure of all adventures. There can be no greater personal quest. 

Are you ready to rise?

---

[1] The prosaic style and rhythm in this, and subsequent sentences in this paragraph—and others like it throughout this book—is borrowed from a similar style used in paragraph 16 of an October 2000 speech delivered by Margaret D. Nadauld entitled, The Joy of Womanhood.