SAL Book: The Freedom to Change Part 1

CHAPTER 3:

THE FREEDOM TO CHANGE (Part 1)

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.[1]
– Dr Seuss

I can change.

These three words express one of the greatest powers you, I, and everyone else possess as human beings. This remarkable human endowment fundamentally separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. Unlike a dog, a bird, a fish, or an ant, you and I possess cerebral capacities that empower us to think and behave in ways that rise above our natural desires and inclinations.

So what are some of humanity’s natural inclinations and desires?

Food,

     Drink,

          Sleep,

               Sex,

                    Sociality,

                         Variety,

                              Idleness,  

                                   Power,

                                         Popularity,

                                            Gain,

                                                 Defiance,

                                                      Rebellion,

                                                           Revenge,

                                                                Superiority

                                                                     Artificially induced “Highs,”

                                                                          Escaping reality,

And…

You get the picture.

I know; it’s kind of pathetic, but let’s face it: our base natures are programmed to operate under the same basic program as animals, meaning:

If it feels good, do it.

If someone crosses you, seek revenge, and

When others disagree with you, shun them from the herd.

Sometimes it is good—and quite necessary—to engage in natural desires and inclinations. Other times, it is wiser, and certainly more mature, to discipline, regulate, and in some cases, deny them entirely.

Not all natural inclinations are potentially bad. Some natural inclinations—like the natural instinct of a parent to love and care for one’s child—are thoroughly good. Nevertheless, it is usually true that nobler characteristics, such as courage, compassion, and patience, typically do not occur naturally in our minds and hearts; we usually have to pay a price in time and effort to practice and develop them until they do feel natural. 

What are some of the nobler characteristics?

Humility,

     Discipline

          Perseverence,

               Honesty,       

                    Integrity,

               Hard Work

          Patience,

     Courage,

Self-discipline

     Self-control

          Moderation,

               Tolerance,

                     Compassion,

               Forgiveness,

          Cleanliness,

     Magnanimity,

Empathy,

     Emotional Intelligence,

          Et cetera.

If you want to change; if you seek liberation from self-defeating inclinations that may presently have a stranglehold on your life and relationships – you can. If, on the other hand, you do not want to change, you have the liberty to remain as you are. This book was written to help you help yourself—but only if you want to change and are willing to work very hard to pay whatever price change demands.

What a privilege it is to be a member of the most advanced species on the planet—the only species capable of authentic, personal change. This book outlines a pathway to exercising this unique, personal power to transcend destructive desires and inclinations that, given free rein, could potentially ruin you and the relationships you hold dear.

FACTS VS. FEELINGS

Typically, the exercise of noble characteristics does not feel natural. You must pay a price in time, effort, and self-sacrifice to practice them until they do. The miracle of being human is that you possess the power to align your desires with deeply held values, goals, and beliefs—even when they may deviate significantly from whatever natural predilections you were born with.

Unlike animals, YOU have an existentially advanced brain that allows you to reason and rationalize cerebrally. Animals can feel and respond to situations according to natural instinct, but they cannot think strategically on the same level a human can. This means that you—unlike an animal—are not predetermined to act merely according to how you feel; you can transcend natural feelings to respond in deference to facts and goals. This is good news because no matter how meaningful feelings may be, facts must usually trump feelings to some degree in the attainment of any targeted objective.

This is not to say that feelings don’t matter; they do—a great deal. In fact, I believe our ultimate purpose as human beings is to experience authentic feelings of joy (not to be confused with the mere sensation of pleasure). Without feelings, life would be insipid and meaningless. But without the guidance of facts, feelings alone may influence you to engage in behaviors that carry dangerous long-term consequences, which, in turn, produce undesirable feelings.

Facts do not exist to squelch or deny feelings, but to empower your will to control them, thereby channeling their powerful energy into productive means of achievement and happiness. The surest way to maximize positive feelings in the long run is to control and regulate your behavior in the short-run. Facts must influence feelings if feelings are to flourish to their full potential. Therefore, the willingness to sacrifice what you want now for what you want most is the essence of character.

SAL Mantra

The willingness to sacrifice what you want now upon the altar of what you want most is the essence of wisdom & character.

Note: This is the first of 13 SAL Mantras to come. Freedom Focused recommends you commit them to memory as a means of empowering your mind with helpful reminders of the material in this book.

---

[1] Geisel, T. (1990). Oh, the Places You’ll Go!  New York: Random House. 

What Happens When I Fail?

When personal leadership pundits, like myself, write on the subject of goal setting, we typically focus on the importance of setting goals, as well as the satisfaction and benefits that result from accomplishing them. But there are other lessons to be learned from the process. These “other” lessons are sometimes counterintuitive to the virtues of traditional goal setting. Today’s post is about some of these less-heralded lessons.

Back in January, I ran my best marathon time. It was extremely satisfying and fulfilling. I was hoping to build on that success and do even better in my next marathon in March. When race day came, it was unpleasantly wet and humid, and my head, heart, and body struggled to get "into" the race. The moisture and humidity slowed virtually everyone's time down, and I was no different. To my chagrin, I not only missed my Boston Qualifying time again (My 11th failure to do so), I ran 37 minutes slower than in January.

The following day, I nursed my disappointment by committing again to do whatever was necessary to reach my goal, which had become so important to me. In the midst of this determined resolve borne, quite frankly, of self-disgust, I received an email from a personal mentor, who is also one of my goal accountability partners. This mentor -- Dr. Christopher P. Neck -- just happens to have completed 12 marathons himself, including the elite Boston and New York Marathons.

I can honestly say his email changed my life as it relates to my marathoning goals.

His response to the news of what I believed was a horrible performance was different than I expected. He taught me some important lessons about goal setting, life balance, and life in general. Here are some excerpts from his e-mail:

JJ,

Congrats on another marathon finish.

You know, with marathons you are going to have good days and you are going to have bad days. That is just the nature of the marathon distance. Regardless of training, you never know what is going to happen on race day.
Now, I'm not going to give you what you probably want to hear, but here goes: Celebrate the victory, man! You just ran 26.2 miles. However you slice it, that is a good day.

Moving forward, I suggest a different self-leadership perspective. You now have a son. He could care less about your weight, or PR, or your training approaches. What he sees and will grow up seeing is a dad who places emphasis on fitness. What an amazing thing.
To be honest, I see too much rigidness and stress in your process. To me, the fact that your weight is down 15 pounds, you just ran a marathon, and you've been able to train as you have with a baby/toddler, you are the man! Lighten up on yourself and enjoy the ride....

Fascinatingly, another of my goal accountability partners and mentors -- my older brother Joe, who is also a Boston Marathon qualifier -- sent me a shorter e-mail with a similar message. Such upbeat words and attitudes from two Boston Qualifiers I have great respect for helped frame the situation in its proper perspective. It also alleviated an enormous amount of unnecessary self-inflicted pressure. Instead of feeling sorry for myself because I had run poorly on race day, I began to feel good about the significant effort I had invested, and the fact that I made the attempt at all. I also began to reevaluate my goals in light of my life’s present circumstances.

Having a son -- who turned one last week -- has forever changed my life for the better. It has also left me with less discretionary time to train for marathons. In addition, my professional schedule, which includes a lot of travel, has become increasingly demanding this year. In light of these life realities, and after failing 11 times to meet the Boston qualifying standard, I have come to the conclusion that I may need to wait until I am older and the qualifying time isn’t so difficult. And thanks to the wise advice of my respected friend and brother, if that happens, I will be okay with it! I can still continue to run for fitness, focus on enjoying the process, and return to racing at shorter distances, which I have always enjoyed more and been better at anyway.

This does not mean I plan to give up on my marathon goal. I still have two more chances this year in June and October, and I plan to give it my best shot in both races. But if I don’t make it after that, I am going to temporarily retire from the marathon distance until I have more time freedom and a less competitive qualifying time. In the meantime, I will continue to run for fitness and the simple joy I get from running without unhealthily impinging on my family life, professional career, or personal mental hygiene.

Tony Robbins has said:

“When you succeed, you tend to party; but when you fail, you tend to ponder.”

I am grateful for the opportunity this “failure” has provided me to ponder my marathon goal in the greater context of my life. I am also grateful for the blessing of mentors and goal accountability partners who help me to keep things in their proper perspective. Sometimes that means, rather ironically, lowering my own ambitious standards. This has given me greater patience, more realistic expectations, and allowed me to better ENJOY the process!



Points to Ponder:

Are there any personal or professional goals you would be wise to revise based on your personal situation, or your life’s true priorities?

Do you currently have mentors and goal accountability partners who can counsel you as you pursue your personal vision, mission, and goals? If not, who will you ask to do so?